Overcoming Adversity: The Journey To Mental Health And Healing With Jay Walker
Welcome to the The Anchor Point Podcast, episode 117 with Jay Walker, a wildland firefighter from Wells, NV. Jay has served on multiple wildland firefighting crews, including Ruby Mountain Hotshots, Jackson Hotshots, and Elko District Engine Modules. He is currently the acting superintendent of Ely Helitack, based out of Panaca, Nevada.
In 2020, Jay experienced a severe rollover accident in a UTV resulting in the loss of his hand. After multiple surgeries, hardships, and financial challenges, he experienced something arguably worse than the pain of the accident itself - the mental health challenges.
In this episode, we dive into Jay's personal journey to discovering a distinct approach to prioritizing his mental health and recovery. It is an incredibly uplifting account that highlights his unwavering determination, how he overcame his demons, and his desire to support others in their own paths. Jay serves as a true inspiration and the epitome of the indomitable human will. His enthusiasm for fire remains undiminished, and he continues his firefighting endeavors using a unique set of prosthetics despite the unfortunate loss of his hand.
Tune in to the original wildland firefighting and wildland firefighter culture podcast, "The Anchor Point Podcast," to learn more about the awesome and ever-evolving world of wildland firefighting. To find out more, visit our website at: anchorpointpodcast.com. Or, check out our LinkTree to find all the episodes you'll want to binge in the back of the buggy!
Y'all know the drill:
Stay safe, stay savage... Peace!
The Anchor Point Podcast is supported by the following amazing folks:
Mystery Ranch. Need badass packs? Then look no further than Mystery Ranch! https://www.mysteryranch.com
Hotshot Brewery. Wanna pick up our Anchor Point Podcast merch or need killer coffee? Hit up Hotshot Brewery!!! https://www.hotshotbrewing.com
Not sponsors of The Anchor Point Podcast, but great organizations:
The Wildland Firefighter Foundation. And, as always, please consider supporting this great nonprofit organization - The Wildland Firefighter Foundation! https://wffoundation.org
The A.W.E. Wanna get some history and knowledge on Wildland Fire? Hit up The Smokey Generation! http://wildfire-experience.org
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Overcoming Adversity: The Journey To Mental Health And Healing With Jay Walker
This episode is going to be brought to you by Mystery Ranch, built for the mission. If you haven’t been rocking a Mystery Ranch fire line pack, that sucks to be you. I don’t know if you all know the story of Mystery Ranch and how it got into the fire game, but Dana Gleason, Uncle Dana, you went down to South Ops there and tied in with a couple of hotshot crews. From there, they developed what you have on your back probably now. At least soon to be on your back. You are probably driving somewhere. That’s a whole premise of how they got into the fire game. They couldn’t have done that without some feedback from you folks in the field. Why do they do this? It’s because they give a crap.
In fact, they give a shit so much that they even have a professional workforce development grant program or scholarship program that is called the Backbone Series. If you are looking to advance your career and start kicking more ass in the field with some continuing education, whether you want to get your EMT or get that S class that your district is not going to pay for something like that and you want to do it on your own, now is your opportunity. All you got to do is tell your story.
Go over to www.MysteryRanch.com and you can check out the Mystery Ranch Backbone Series. It is pretty badass, but here’s the caveat to that. You got until the end of the month. You got until May 31st, 2023 to get your poop in a group and submit your story because that’s when time is running out for this round of Mystery Ranch Backbone Series scholarships. Get your crap together and go apply because if you don’t apply, you don’t get a chance to.
The show is also going to be brought to you by our premier coffee sponsor. That is going to be none other than Hotshot Brewing. It’s kickass coffee for a kickass cause, and a portion of the proceeds will always go back to the Wildland Firefighter Foundation. In fact, they are even hooking it up for June 3rd, 2023 the old RIP-N-LIPS Dumpster Tuna Fishing Tournament. It is a bass fishing tournament that’s up in Pineville. They have been doing it for years now, maybe even more. They have raised a hell of a lot of money at this event for the Wildland Firefighter Foundation.
Hotshot Brewing is involved with that. I’m involved with that. RIP-N-LIPS is involved with the foundation. It’s pretty cool. It’s how the fire family is. You can’t avoid it even when you want to. I’m looking at you Hotshot Brewing. If you guys go over to www.HotshotBrewing.com, you can get all of your coffee-making essentials, all the tools of the trade to get your morning started off right, and some kickass coffee for kickass cause, and you can support the foundation and RIP-N-LIPS at the same time.
The show is also going to be brought to you by our buddy Booze over at The A.S.S Movement. If you don’t know what The A.S.S Movement is, it is the finest in poo-bearing propaganda and you can get yours over at www.TheFireWild.com where you can check out The A.S.S Movement, and it stands for the Anti-Surface Shitting Movement.
It’s pretty awesome. Check this out. Readers of the show can get 10% off their entire order site-wide by using the code AnchorPointASS10 at checkout. Get over there and get the finest in poo-bearing propaganda. You can get stickers, patches, and t-shirts. You can even get a turd trial if you have a problem pooper on your crew. It’s pretty awesome. Once again, go over to www.TheFireWild.com and check out the A.S.S Movement Booze. Thank you so much for joining me down there in Reno. A shout-out to you. I appreciate all the input in the presentation that you meant or that you did. It was awesome. Once again, thanks.
Last but not least, I have a great relationship with Bethany over there at the Smokey Generation, AKA The American Wildfire Experience, AKA Wildfire-Experience.org, and it’s awesome. You should go over and check it out because it is a history-telling and storytelling project all for the boots on the ground by the boots on the ground.
If you want to check out some notes and some interesting stories from your peers in the field or some of those folks that are still in the game but have a story to tell from long times ago, some of these stories go all the way back to the 1940s and there are over 100 of them. If you want a little history lesson, a little trip down memory lane, or want to see what the Smokey Generation is all about, go over to www.Wildfire-Experience.org and check it out because you can win one of these $500 grants to tell your story of wildland firefighting by submitting your story and your project to the Smokey Generation. Bethany, you have a kickass organization over there. Keep it up.
I hope everybody is doing well. To those crews up in Canada, I hope you are faring well. You are probably on your way back by now, at least, the first round of folks that went up there. When you get back, tell me how it was. Send me some photos or something. If you want to be on the show and share your experience, even more power to you.
This episode is going to be all about overcoming adversity and also stressing the thought and the concept of even though they may seem like they are probably the happiest motherfucker in the room when they walk in it, sometimes that’s not always the case. No matter how much of a cheery attitude they put on or how lighthearted they seem to be, that may not always be the case.
No matter how much of a cheery attitude some people put on or how lighthearted they seem to be, that may not always be the case.
We are going to talk about that, and we are also going to talk about overcoming adversity. The gentleman that I’m talking about lost his arm in a vehicle accident. This is his story about overcoming adversity, overcoming his own demons, struggling with mental health, and how he came out on the other side, and how you should not be afraid to 1) Reach out and 2) Try new shit to address your own issues and your own mental health problems.
He’s a huge supporter of finding new stuff, trying new tools to put into the toolbox, and seeing what works for you, and this is his story. He’s one of my favorite people in all of the fires that I have met over the course of my years in the Bureau of Land Management in the Forest Service. This dude is awesome, and his story should resonate with a lot of folks out there. He’s got a powerful message, and I hope that everybody gets something out of this. Without further ado, I would like to introduce my very good friend, Mr. Jay Walker. Welcome to the show.
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This is another episode of the show. In this episode, I have got my good buddy and former coworker, the former overhead of mine, Mr. Jay Walker. How’s it going?
I am doing good.
It’s good to see you.
A great week here for all the Nevada firefighters at this pre-season meeting, so it’s been good times. I have seen lots of old friends and meeting new ones.
It’s cool because I’m out of the game now. I’m not fighting fire anymore, but it’s cool that Brock and Vanessa reached out to me and had us come here and do our thing with Booze. It’s been fun, but it’s also been cool because Nevada BLM is where I cut my teeth firefighting. I started my career here. I worked for Ely Helitack, Vegas Helitack. I know Bridgeport Helitack is the redheaded stepchild, but I got to show my love for those guys too. It was Region 4.5 as we like to call it.
A little love for Eric.
I worked with Elko and all the aviation community and engines. I was working well with the shots and all that stuff. It’s cool to see everybody because I’m out of the game, but coming back here and seeing all my friends and people that are still in the game doing the good fight. It’s cool folks like yourself.
That’s what it is. We used to do it every two years or whatever. That is why it’s important to do this because we get involved in fire season. We don’t see each other. If we don’t have something like this, we go years not seeing each other unless I’m traveling or going to fires and we are seeing each other on fires. It’s important to fucking bring everybody back, see the new faces, meet the new crews, meet the new people, but then fucking hang out with the old school dudes and laugh and joke. It’s so cool.
Tell us a little bit about yourself. Tell us about your history, your firefighting career, and all that stuff.
I was born in Elko and raised in Wells, Nevada. After graduating high school, I needed a job. I didn’t know what I was going to do. I plan to go to college and whatnot. It was like I just graduated. This old mentor badass dude, Jeff Burrell, was the station manager out of Wells. He’s dating my cousin. I say, “What’s up, Shelly? What’s up, Jeff?” He’s all, “Do you need a job?” I’m like, “I do need a job. I don’t know what I’m doing.” He’s like, “Come out that BLM station out there and I will hook you up.” I’m like, “That’s cool.”
I don’t know what I’m doing. I remember the Yellowstone fires of ‘88 and stuff like that, but it doesn’t click. Ladder tracks and Dalmatians were my whole thought process for fucking fire guys. The big green things that with BLM, I didn’t even know what those were. I guess them all the time. I never paid attention.
I’m like, “I knew where the BLM station was. I had buddies that were on fence cruises.” I’m like, “I’m going to go build an old fence. I love building and fence. We are going to go build a fence.” People that didn’t know me have heard this story many times. I show up one day and, this gentleman, Mr. Mike Moray, an older gentleman, was great. He is a big and great dude and he’s still working in Elko.
He’s standing, I’m like, “What are you doing, Mike?” He’s like, “I’m getting a job.” I go, “Me too. What do you think we are doing?” He goes, “I don’t know.” I go, “I think we are building fence.” Burrell shows up and he brings us to his office. He’s like, “You guys want to fight fire?” I’m like, “I guess we could do that. Sure, why not? Let’s do it.”
If you want to fight fire, you're going to keep fighting fire.
Three days later after doing the Cleveland package, back in those days, you are a firefighter. Here you go. Look at these green-ass pants, yellow shirt, and all this. You got to figure this stuff out. From there, I loved it. This is a good story too. Burrell tells me, “There’s always something to do on these engines. If you are bored, there’s always something you can do.”
If you're bored, there's always something you can do.
You got time to lean, you got time to clean mentality.
We came from this thing where like, “If I’m getting paid, I’m working.” I’m out there every day tinkering on this beat-up and banged-up international engine. I’m taping stuff and fixing shells. I’m going through trying to figure this out. Every time I hook up, there’s nobody around. Out of my soul, I’m like, “Where’s everybody?” It’s a couple of days I’m doing this, and all of a sudden, I’m like, “I got to go to the bathroom.” Still, where is everybody? I walk in. It’s traditional waiting for fire or shit going on. The TV is off. People are taking naps. I’m like, “What the hell?” I have been here for days just tinkering.
This is where you got here. You see. It was just funny as hell. I’m like, “It is what it is.” What got me after that was we immediately went to Arizona for 21 days, and it was epic. I was hooked ever since. I’m in this engine. I’m with cool people. My first engine boss at the time was Jeff Armburger. He had dreads down here. It was like, “These people are amazing. I am not going to college. I’m doing this.” I stuck around and I kept doing it. That was the start of the engines. 2000 was my last season on the engines. I was in the academy. It’s not because I’m old. They start busting them out.
They skip numbers. They rearranged numbers. It’s not even Academy 60 or whatever. It’s like a foundation and then advanced and all this other stuff. It’s changed.
I was in the academy. Joe Freeland was the FMO at the time, and he wanted to bring an Alaskan-style shot crew to Nevada. At the time, they would house Jackson, Mississippi Hotshots. That was our shot crew at the time. They wanted a shot crew in Elko. There’s this dream of what this is going to be. I’m a Jackson, so like, “You are going no matter what.” I’m voluntold. “Now we going to get you a sup.” They hire sup, and I’m the first crew member of Ruby Mountain here, and we are trying to figure this out. Shay McDonald was the sup. It’s like, “What do you do?” You need a name and symbol.
You got to establish your traditions and your stuff, everything.
You got to figure this out. What’s the name going to be? All of a sudden, Ruby Mountain is born once the name is spoken. The t-shirts and the hats are coming in because we had to order all this shit.
You are starting fresh.
Twenty-two packs, sleeping bags banging it out. There is an in-labor. They are funny to me all the time. They treat me so good. I’m so lucky in my career because I have had these opportunities. These experiences are good. They go, “You need to go. We are going to put you on a shot crew.” They bust me over to Jackson, Mississippi. There I am. It was the Jackson Hotshots doing two-week criticals and just, “What the hell?” I’m in Mississippi and it was amazing. It came back and, all of a sudden, this idea or thing started to come together. We had guys from Vail, Chena, and Midnight Sons. We had all these shots coming from over to build this. The local guys are coming on, and they didn’t know what the hell they were getting into. It didn’t last. In the end, this was like, “I’m never doing this.”
That’s an eye-opening experience.
I was sold. I loved every day of it, the days of gritting, the days of mopping, the isolation, and the quiet.
The cool shit you get to see untouched by humanity.
I shot until 2008. From 2001 to 2008, I was on Ruby, and it was awesome. I don’t know. I dug it all. It was great. I did some funny shit all the time too. I would literally pack oranges and limes in my pack for fucking 5 or 6 days, so I could sit there on day six and pull it out and start eating.
You get a super green orange. It’s going to ripen in your pack. You go one of those numbers.
Just so everybody is eating them are used for rats for 6 or 7 days. I’m pulling out a Slim Jim. I’m randomly eating a lime. I was like, “You didn’t get one of these this morning breakfast?” Those were such good times. The whole time I was on Ruby. Eventually, I had a family. I had kids, and it was like, “I got to start being home more often.”
I call Juan, and I’m like, “I want to come over.” They made some magic happen. They ladder me over into the third squad boss position from Ruby, and then it was awesome. We had busy seasons in Elko, and it was great. Eventually, Juan bounced from the crew and went down South to Ely. I was ready to move on and try something different. I was like, “I will go to Ely,” because Ely has had a huge ESR program. I dug that. I was like, “I can handle this program out by coming down.” I bounced to Ely, and my whole thing was like, “I want to go Caliente. I’m sick of Wells weather. I’m sick of the cold.” That was the whole discussion. I’m doing this so I can live warmer.
Caliente is Spanish for a hot night. I swear to God, Caliente makes Vegas look like a fucking winter wonderland sometimes. It’s like 118 because it’s all in that box canyon. It’s like that canyon just holds heat. It’s like you got a space heater on constantly. It’s pretty down there.
It’s gorgeous down there. For five years, I tried to sell my house in Wells, and no takers. A couple of years ago, we finally sold it and moved to Caliente proper. All of a sudden, I was from squatty to assistant to trying to run this crew now.
You had the torch pass, so to speak. Juan is not the superintendent anymore on Ely Helitack. From my understanding, it’s you. When I was working for you, was that 2017? Juan was there. He’s the sup. You and then you got Kio, all the folks there. That shit was fun. I had a good time over there. Doing I80 hot laps all season was wild.
That was such a good overhead. You got Kio and Kevin, then Juan was there. Levi might have left.
That was his last year.
It was a rockstar of a group of dudes. Too bad it was short-lived. People got to go their own way. They got to do their own thing, but that’s the history.
It was known from all around the state.
It was very fast because you can go into detail and then the stories I have.
You got some bitching stories, and that’s always a fun thing about hanging out with you. You got these fucking stories that are larger than life. Here it is, and it’s the last day of the conference. It’s 9:00 in the morning. We are bullshitting. We have been here for hours and we have been sitting here bullshitting. It’s telling stories.
The people need to know this one. It’s a crazy world and a crazy life. Even though these adventures I have and the things I have done, I am blessed to have done more and fought fire in the craziest, wildest places. There are a lot of us that do this all the time and make it your life. I’m one that can say I have been to Texas so many goddamn times fighting the fire. There are dudes that have never been to Texas and have fought fire their whole career. I had 30 to 40 times all around. I have done the whole perimeter of Texas.
I am blessed to have done more and fought fire in the craziest, wildest places.
You have been to Florida, AK, Mississippi, and all over the place.
Also, Dakotas, everything out here from the top of California to the South of California to all over New Mexico, Arizona, Oregon, and Washington. I’m blessed. A lot of it is I have never turned anything down.
You are open and receptive to new assignments or being outside of your comfort zone.
Someone said, “You want to go here?” I was like, “Let’s do it,” and I’d go and they are like, “Wow.” I did make the best of it and met the coolest people. It was awesome from the Southern tip of Florida to the Northern part of Florida. There are such adventures and such good people. The thing is the people I met along this way, they are still my friends and brothers. I still talk to them. It’s crazy.
Fire is a small world. Like you were saying, it’s cool to see everybody at the preseason meeting. Like I said, I’m well removed from the game. It’s cool to see everybody preseason chilling it up, being happy, shooting the shit, telling stories, and getting some education. It’s cool that it is an estate program. They are bringing outside professionals, like Brent Ruby. We got Paul. He’s doing the human performance thing with sleep studies and stuff like that.
I hate using the word progressive because, depending on what flavor of politics you like to taste, that progressive word can be a bad word. No matter if it is Red, Blue, Left, or Right, it doesn’t matter. Progressive is a touchy subject. In the true sense of its word, I do want to say that the BLM in Nevada is like pushing boundaries and is progressive in its truest sense, like taking care of people doing good stuff, moving and advancing that goal, or that ball down the goal line.
It’s cool to see. It’s changed a lot. I have been in the game, but I cut my teeth there, so I got to come back and pay it forward to some degree, record my homies like you, and talk to the crews, the engine folks, the aviation geeks, and all this stuff. It’s cool. I feel very blessed as well with the experiences that I have had with not only you but the whole program in general. It’s wonderful. I’m happy and thankful to be here.
Likewise. My voice was all raspy because I did a lot of talking, laughing, and shit-talking.
It was a lot of storytelling.
Anyone knows me, “You had a good week. Your voice is gone.”
My voice is starting to go, too, and it’s like, “I have been sitting in this room.” I’d probably put 8 to 10 hours of solid recording under my belt, and then I did that four hours seminar. Everybody is wearing it now.
I’m still stoked. I’m still flying high. I’m still happy I saw the mucker boys leaving earlier. It was good. One of these things I realized is when you are drinking and having beers with the state FMO, you volunteer for a lot of shit. You saw it. You are hands down right there. “Walker, you need to do this.” “Want to run a relay in there?” “Okay, I’m in.” The next thing, it’s happening.
The next thing you know, you are signed up for the RTO. It’s like, “What?”
I signed up with the RTO. You know what it is. You are there. You have heard him.
The Reno-Tahoe is open. It’s a no-shit race. You better start training now.
They were telling me about it.
“What did I get myself into?”
I’m still in. I’m like, “Damn it.”
That’s a cool thing. Through all my experiences in knowing you and throughout the years, what’s cool about you is no matter what turd sandwich of an assignment we have been fed or what shitty weather that we are grounded from in the ship, or what fucking adversity the crews face or you personally face, or any of that shit, you always have this unique ability to get motherfuckers to laugh. Even when shit is not good and obviously not good, you always have this ability to lift everyone around you. It’s radiant, and I fucking love that about you. That’s why I want to have you on the show now. It’s cool and inspiring.
I get told that a lot. If you love this job and you love what you are doing, you love your people. I have always been high-spirited about this career and what it is. I see my boys hurting. I see somebody miserable. I see somebody happy, and it’s like, “I’m going to reach out to this guy.” I used to pack Slim Jims by the thousands in my cargo pants because I’d find this one guy having a bad day on the crew, like, “Have a Slim Jim.” You are eating rats, then they are like, “Thank you. Where do you keep all these?” That was it. Everyone who knows me knows my pack is 50 pounds all the time.
The funny thing is you are carrying that extra load to share it with other people. That’s the stuff that I like. Fuck the haters like, “Was your pack 50 pounds?” Everybody reading this outside was like, “No. He’s carrying that extra load to give it to his homies and his and the dude or girl that’s having a shitty day, or the guy that’s going through a fucking divorce, a breakup, or lost his ass betting on black when he should have bet red.” That’s cool shit. More people need to take a little bit of that from you and apply it to like their folks and circles.
A lot of it is random shit that I needed one time, but I got it in there for the next time.
Was that saying it’s like guns and condoms? You don’t need them all the time, but when you do need one, you need it.
“You got a hose clamp in your pack?” I’m like, “I got one here. What size do you want?”
It’s funny. It’s like the little things in life that make it funny or memorable. Even when it’s shitty, it makes it that much more enjoyable. You got to keep paying it forward and being the beacon of hope. That’s good shit.
Sometimes it’s a fucking miserable job. I endured it. I loved it. I never felt miserable. I never felt like I needed a bell. That’s what kept me going out there for these different experiences and doing things. I don’t know. It turns bad after a while, then you are gone away with too much of a problem.
It’s too much.
All you are going to know is you fire and go, and then lose grip of everything around you.
It becomes like your identity almost.
It closes in on you and, all of a sudden, you are like, “Shit.”
Shit is too real.
Now, I’m way high-spirited. I’m loving it. I am living life. I have had a rough struggle over the last couple of years. Anyone knows the whole what’s been going on. It’s been tough. Now I’m on this whole other level where I’m trying to inspire like, “I was at a rock fucking bottom.” Now, I’m like, “Hell no. I see my boys, my friends. I’m happy to be here.”
If you are comfortable with it, let’s talk about what fucking happened. When I heard about it, I was like, “What the fuck?” It’s like these questions, “Why does horrible shit sometimes happen to good people?” It fucking sucks, but it’s part of being alive. It could happen to anybody. It happened to you. Do you want to talk about a fucking turd sandwich? You fucking ate a big mac turd sandwich, an extra-large side of bullshit fries with a fucking leader of fuck my life. The cool thing about it is you struggled and everything like that, but that positivity, indomitable will and spirit, and fucking finding joy helps you persevere.
Horrible things sometimes happen to good people, but it's part of being alive.
It does, and it’s your community. It’s your bros. I take it back to years ago. I started feeling pressured, busy, and overwhelmed working, and it filtered out to the house.
It started affecting the home.
I was mean. I didn’t know how mean I was. It was home, but I wasn’t home.
It was like the lights were on, but no one was there. It was autopilot.
I was very short-fused. The people, your family, and your kids are excited to see you, and then they are wishing you go the fuck away. I didn’t realize how much I was getting messed up like that. All of a sudden, I lose my hand. I didn’t even know if I feel the grief or anything because there were so many people. You reached out to me. All my friends were reaching out to me.
You know why that shit happened because you have been always that person to reach out to them. I hate to say it but don’t take this as a shitty comment or anything like that. It was like it was your turn to receive. It’s like that, that love that you have given everybody.
It was amazing. I wasn’t even grieving or sad because of all the jokes, “Walker, we heard you need a hand.”
That’s fucking dark humor dude. It’s like, “What’s up, RoboCop?”
Plus I’m high because I’m on morphine and everything else you are giving me, but it was never a dull moment. When COVID was there, I was only allowed one visitor a day.
It’s extra shitty because you are isolated even more.
My mom, dad, wife, and kids are all in a parking lot taking turns to see how I’m doing. Eventually, it was like, “You guys should go home. I’m going to be okay. I will be out of here in 3 or 4 days. Trust me.” People are FaceTiming me and calling me from bars. It’s just amazing. I never got off the phone once the whole time, and I’m getting sponge baths. You know what I’m talking about. I’m like, “You know what I’m doing right now.”
The nurse is giving you a sponge bath.
It was pretty amazing. I did have one cousin that works for the military, and he was there every day. He loved it because of his wife. If he reads this. I’m plugging him. Willie doesn’t get to eat out a whole lot, but while he was seeing me, he was going to Red Iguana, he was getting me tacos, and he was eating out the most of his whole entire life.
He was buying food all the time, living and loving it. We are having a great time there. When I got out of that, you see your people. You want to be there for your people, but then there’s also that dark spot where you are on a fence with it. You could get dark with it. You start thinking into that, “What the fuck? I’m never going to play guitar again. I’m never going to do this again.” Every day is going to be a fucking struggle.
“Am I going to be able to continue fighting fire and all this shit that makes you who you are?”
What am I going to fucking do? A homie then calls you and starts talking shit, “I’m back over. I’m good. I’m out of that.”
He pulls you out of that fucking black hole, that bad place.
I never grieved over that. Then it escalated more and more, and when I was alone by myself like holy shit. Fuck. I’m struggling with my zipper. I build things. Mechanic stuff. You work with magnets. You figure out how to do all these little things simpler. All my gadgets. You start drinking out gadgets. Time doing all kinds of shit so you can hook it.
Then it was like, “Holy shit.” Then we were moving. We sold our house and were moving back. That was stressful as hell. It’s building. Your relationship is going down the tube. You don’t see it. You don’t know what’s happening. We can’t find people to work. Everybody is quitting a crew. It’s me and Juan and we are like, “We got no management. We got nobody.” I’m like, “I’m going to call Gladics.”
I heard Gladics was thinking to get out of the fire. I call him up. I’m like, “I need you right now. I need a squad boss right now. Juan is bouncing out. I need you on the crew. I need you to help me run this shit.” He’s like, “I don’t know if I can pass my medical.” I go, “Bullshit. They passed me and I’m missing a hand.” “Good point. I’m good.”
I bet he laughed his ass off when he heard that shit. He can’t help but chuckle. I can see that coming. I can visualize you Gladics laughing your asses off that look that fucking Gladics when he’s thinking about something.
“Get your ass here. We are going.” We had a good fire season. It was busy as hell that year. The winter, I’m checking on him. He is all good all winter long. He’s getting ready to start back up again. He’s like, “I want to go out to Florida. I want to come do this thing.” I’m like, “Cool.” I was busy and this is Gladics style, “I need a ride to Vegas. Just drop me off on the outskirts. I will Uber to the airport. I’m going to sleep there.” I’m like, “You aren’t doing that. Come on. Really?”
He goes, “I will sleep at the airport. Get me to the outskirts.” I was busy and I was like, “I got to get Gladics there. What am I going to do?” New house. I’m trying to fix things. I’m like, “Fuck it. I will take it.” Then I was like, “Wait a minute. My brother is going to a Megadeth concert.” He’s coming through. I called him and go, “Can you pick up Gladics and take him with you for the night? Take him to the concert.” Gladics is not a Megadeth fan, by the way.
I bet he still had fun though.
He did. Megadeth, Lamb of God, not Gladics’ vibe.
Not his vibe but he’s going to make the best out of the situation.
He’s got a hotel room. He’s going to hang out with somebody for the night, fly out, red eye in the morning. They take him and he gets to Florida after this night. He’s like, “Best sendoff ever. Thank you so much. Your family was great. I went to your cousins and your mother. They partied. We partied and went to this. I love metal now.” I’m amazed. He comes back and we are like, “Take as much time as you off. Nothing is going on.” That’s when we were helping out with the type one at the time.
Juan had been up there on that type one and needed to be swapped out. I needed to stay back because the crew is about ready to start. I was like, “Gladics, when he gets back, go swap him out.” He’s like, “No problem. I go.” It’s 5 days or it’s 14. As soon as your relief comes, you are gone. Maybe you can stay fourteen if you want to do it. I got the crew. We are good. We sent it to him and then the unfortunate thing that happened to him, which was crazy because it was like with all that shit I had going on here and now I got this.
I was a raging monster. I didn’t know. I was somebody else and I couldn’t filter anything at all. If I had to look at myself and I was not happy. I was mean, stressed, and didn’t know what I was doing. As I had to do this myself, now I don’t have Gladics. Juan is the UAM. He’s there. Juan is every day with me, relieving me of days off, whatever.
It’s everything all at once. Fucking Gladics was your homie. You can’t not love that dude, and then this happens. I don’t want to say it on the show, but we had a moment and we were talking about him. The folks that do know Gladics know exactly what we are talking about. He’s one of the fucking shining examples of compassion and who it is that someone to lift you up and you are that too, and I know you guys were homies and that fucking hurt everybody.
It was devastating. When we found out and everybody found out it was like phone calls. I’m going to appreciate the love that’s coming. What do you need? We are there. In one sense I’m still like fucking stunned.
Battling your own demons on top of it too.
Fucking stunned. I’m like, “I got these new kids. I got these crew members,” and it’s day one. It’s day two and I haven’t even told the crew yet. The crew doesn’t even know what has happened to this crew at this moment. The chase truck fixing this, doing that, getting their gear ready, doing weights, and then I was like, “Shit.”
It was a crazy tough moment to circle everybody up and have to break this to people. It’s like holy fuck. What is going on in this life? I never thought I’d ever have to do that. Then it was run gun after that trying to do more with less. At home, it was destroyed. I don’t know what happened. It was me. I fucked up big time. Who knows? We are in Oregon and I’m trying to finish the end of the season off the phone call. My wife wants to push me off.
Pickle that fucking load.
The whole winter and it’s been rough. We are trying to work on it. I had this moment. I don’t know. It was around January. I was in this dark, right there. Gun in the goddamn nightstand over it all. I probably talked to you a little bit about this. I have been talking about it all week.
You are probably sick of telling this fucking story by now.
I’d love it because I’m where I’m at now. At this moment, I have been talking to McQuarrie and he’s doing bro checks on Dog because Dog is going through some shit and Ian’s going through some shit. We are all dealing with this loss and this and that. I was sitting there like, “I’m a fucking country song. I lost my hand, my dog, and my house.”
“My wife left me.” All I’m missing is the fucking truck in a beat-up dirt road.
I had that. That’s where I was living. Living in the back of a fucking truck. I had a talk with my wife and I go, “I’m fucked up. I can’t do this on my own anymore. I have to keep reaching out. I have to get help.” I was already working out. I felt better running. Abusing myself as much as possible to take all this shit out. This is pretty funny too. I was stressed and all this anger or whatever. I clenched my jaws, so I already learned how to breathe through my nose.
I was already doing it. I was like, “I do that.” I was talking about that. I was like, “That’s what I do now. I don’t ever breathe out my mouth any more because I’m always tense, and now I know it’s a good thing.” I was like, “I don’t know what I’m going to do.” I called Dr. Steve immediately that morning. I texted him. I’m like, “You need to get back to me. This is where I’m at.”
Long talk. I love him to death. He gave me some great advice. All I needed to do was let all this bullshit build out and it felt good and it felt better. I was like, “You gave me some tools and you gave me some ideas.” Then I was like, “Now I’m good. I think I got this.” I then reached out to my friend Kelly, and you know Kelly?
Letting all of the BS build out helps to make you feel better.
We worked together in the group.
She’s a yoga instructor and I’m like, “Kelly, this is where I’m at. This is what’s going on. What you got for me?” She’s like, “Come to the house.” The next thing you know, I’m getting all this paperwork. Her cousin lives with her and she’s an EMS, first responder, or firefighter therapist. I got a team.
Fucking Caliente in all places. Caliente is a beautiful place, but what town of maybe 300 people.
Maybe 1,000 on the outskirts. It’s about 1,000 there, but it’s very tiny. I got Kelly there and a team. They went to work on me and they are doing this. “What are you feeling here?” “I’m doing this paper.” I’m like, “Now I need to buy into this.” That’s where I was like. Anything, any help. I don’t care. Give me something that might help me because I have nothing. That’s where I was at.
It’s like the woo-woo shit that as firefighters a culture as a whole. The massage therapy, the energy work, and the meditation, all that stuff, we like to pass it off. It’s not a social or cultural thing that’s widely accepted, but it’s growing. That’s the thing though. You were receptive to it because you are looking for anything out there. Anything that could help.
What can someone give me to take this off of me? Take any of this off me. Get the demons they say, but it’s like, “I got monsters. I got big ones and they are fucking real, and they are going to bite and they are going to claw, and they are fucking at my fucking door all day every day.”
We are not talking about the monster under your bed. We are talking about fucking Cthulhu.
I’m talking like this is fucking real and I don’t know what I can do. I’m alone. I’m lost. My boys are out here, my friends are out here. They are calling me and checking me. Kelly my savior. A little angel right there. She fucking boom. Went to work and had me. I got rocks and crystals. I’m doing sound bass. They are chiming in me and I took it in. I was like, “I’m taking this for everything this is worth.” Right here and right now. I’m your guinea pig, Kelly. You go nuts with me, and then for a session. I wanted to pull my truck over and take a nap. It was a crazy part of that. There’s a lot more to it than doing yoga with her and all this other stuff. I was like, “What did I become like?”
This is like knowing you over. It’s like the last goddamn thing on the planet that I would ever see you doing assumption-wise, but it works for you.
It’s one thing that I want to tell everybody all the time, it’s like, “You wouldn’t believe how bad I was.” There’s a smile on my face, but I’m screaming on the inside constantly screaming.
Probably fucking dead inside.
Doing this stuff and these little tools that she showed me. I took it for everything it was worth. All of a sudden it was like, “I’m feeling good here.” I’m doing my breathing. I’m doing square breathing. I’m trying to meditate. I’m learning that. It was like one day a light came on, and I was like, “I’m here for all of you now. Now I figured out a way to feel better when that fucking knots here in your fucking stomach and you are here and you are thinking about all the fucking bad shit. The unknown and not having closure on anything.” You learn like to take that, endure it, and grab it.
I was telling the boys, “You don’t know until you are there until you know what I’m talking about.” I go, “You are pushing it out. If you are standing up, you are pushing it through your feet. You grab it. You are doing that in your head and releasing this shit through this fucking chair out of your ass. You are doing that and you are breathing and all of a sudden like, ‘I’m back again.’” The more and more you do this, the less and less you have to do it.
The better you get at it the more efficient. It’s like PT. We run our asses off for a reason. Build cardiovascular strength. We hike our asses off so we can get better at hiking. We lift weights to maintain strength. It’s no fucking different when you are doing it with either the demons inside you or the breathing exercises or practicing meditation. It’s a whole-body thing because you can’t have one without the other. All the health shit that we are talking about are all interconnected because if one falls, the rest will, and you were there.
Then you got too much and it was crazy. These little tricks and things like, “Do I figure this thing like this?” Then it helps. Do you believe in it? You do it. This whole week I have been telling my story here like, “I am good. I got this. I’m going to be here for everybody.” It’s like looking at that room and I was telling a few people, I was like, “I don’t want to do what Gladics did to me. To you and anybody fucking here, I cannot do that.” Even though you are like hell with it. It will be so easy. There it is. I’m not some crazy shit up.
That’s heavy but it’s true, how many people have we known that have succumbed to their own darkness? Good friends of ours, Gladics, Pete, and my fucking boy, Ian.
It’s too much.
It’s sad. I don’t know what it is. It’s not like we don’t have the tools available. I don’t know if it’s a social or cultural construct. I don’t know what the fuck it is, but it’s so prevalent.
Thinking about it a lot of the time is like you never know. You could look at me and I’m going to work with mom my fucking face every day and I’m doing it. Then I’m that scene and lethal weapon. Every fucking day I got to find a reason to be here. When you are at that spot, you are like, “Holy shit.” People are like, “How do we stop this? How do we keep it going?” It’s like, “I don’t know if you can. It has to be the individual.” The individual, he drowned and has to swim for that fucking shore.
It’s hard to come up from the air when you are already drowning.
It's hard to come up from air when you're already drowning.
I’m telling him right now, it’s like, “If you want to do this, if you are going to fucking check out, you know when you are checking out.” You already know when you are going to do it, what you are going to do, whatever. You are already thinking that shit. That’s when you are far beyond gone. You are like, “I’m there.”
Everyone is talking about mental wellness and this and that. I already, in my brain, have committed when I’m going to do this and I want to do this. That’s fucking scary. You are like, “How do you pull out of that?” You got to do it yourself and you got to find that reason to live. For me, it was looking at my family, my fire family, my bros is where I was like, “Fuck this. What are you thinking? Why are you thinking this?” Fucking heavy.
That is some of the most profound shit I have ever heard in my entire fucking life. I’m fucking serious and this is why it’s so important to have this topic. This is why I have the utmost fucking respect for you because you have the courage to fucking tell your story. I don’t give a fuck what, who, or how it helps somebody, but as long as it helps one motherfucker out there. I miss Gladics and Ian. I don’t want to see this shit keep happening. It fucking hurts me. You were there.
That’s why I got to tell this story. I was there. Gun in the fucking nightstand. It’s like, “Now I’m here. I’m good. I’m fucking awesome.” You hear my words, you hear what I say like, “You can get out of this. You can fucking pull out of this.” A lot of people that are thinking of this are almost committed to it already. There are ways and things you got to reach out and you got to talk and be open. The way I look at it sometimes, it’s like we are sitting here with a Coke bottle and it’s been shucked. You are cracking that lid, but there’s so much of that pressure in there.
It can’t escape fast enough.
Then you are releasing that on the people you love and being an asshole and pissing people off. You are being mean and you are being angry. You are saying things you don’t mean. Now I found out like, “Now I figured this out.” This is good. Now that I figured out how to fix myself with stress and anxiety and shit.
It is the administrative bullshit that we all hate doing.
We then stress out about I do this and then I don’t do it. I don’t know if my bosses reading this. “Did you do this?” “No.” It does have its downside. Good for you. Stressing like I get my times in. I will be waking out and getting my credit card statement done. We would be stressing about it and like, “I got to get done. Goddamnit. Someone’s going to yell at me.”
You get fucking done. It’s the little things. How insignificant is your time? I want to get fucking paid, but you and I know how to time codes. With the BLM, it’s a bitch to do time codes. You have to type in a fucking 32-digit number with hours and all. Then if you this hour was charged to that fire and so on and so forth, it’s a pain in the ass. As much as you and I have done times, especially you because you have been in the game way longer than I have. You are probably pretty fucking quick at it.
I don’t know.
You know it has to be done, but why stress yourself out about something in the grand scheme of things when you know you are going to get it done? You can get it done. It’s not like it’s beyond your ability to get it done. If you fuck up, someone is going to catch it and they are like, “I’m sorry.” It’s like, “Why stress out about that shit?” It’s so insignificant to the bigger picture it.
Don’t stress yourself out about something in the grand scheme of things. It's not beyond your abilities to get it done. And if you mess up, someone's going to catch it.
The time. The administrative shit, the paperwork, and all these things, the bullshit that we have to do. A lot of us do stress a little bit or if not a lot on getting that done or worrying about it. As I said, this is me now, I’m like, “That shit. I’m not going to do it now.” I told him. I was like, “You watch that movie Office Space.” “Yes.” They go, “I’m not going to come in now. What are you going to do? I don’t know. I’m going to do nothing.”
I’m going to sit on the couch, watch TV, and drink a beer.
It’s the only character I can familiarize at this point where I’m like, “Do you want to watch Kung Fu?” I’m in a good spot. I’m a good place. Like I said, I got volunteered for a bunch of stuff to do and I’m excited about it. This show for big time to talk about how I feel where I’m at. If someone is reading this, if you are there, you can get out of this. You are going to be fine, but you got to do steps. You got to put in work and you got to hit the grind and then slowly you will.
You're going to be fine, but you've got to take steps. You've got to put in the work, hit the grind, and then slowly, you'll find that peace.
It’s a fucking fight though. It’s been a fight for you and it still is a fight for you. It’s not like, “I went to therapy. I’m all better now. I’m all good.”
I have got to work on it every day. I got to do it every day, and you keep it going. If I start feeling down, I start feeling this, I will go bust out some miles. I start doing my meditation. I started doing the little things that I do, and then I’m like, “I’m good now.”
It’s those little tools. That’s one of the overlooked things about therapy. Probably a misconception about clinicians, therapy, massage, and energy work. It is all the woo-woo shit and all the other professional stuff that’s in like a medical context. It all works together, but it’s also a practice. A lot of people think that if you go to a therapist or you seek this help out that it’s going to be a fix. They are going to fix you and that is not the case.
It’s up to you the individual. You said it right there. You confirmed it. When you go to these people, it’s like going to fucking Home Depot. I need this sheet of plywood. You are already home. You unloaded the plywood. It’s like, “I forgot screws. I got to go get screws,” and that’s not the right screw. You are finding those different tools to put in your toolbox to complete the job and build yourself strong. It was up to you at the end.
A lot of people think that if you go to a therapist or seek out help, they’re going to fix you. That is not the case. It's up to you, the individual.
The way it is too is it’s you are talking to somebody and you are letting it all go to them. Then they are going, “This is what you can start on here. This is what you can do here. This is what you should do here.” It’s like, “Okay. I’m doing that. Now I’m doing this. Now I’m going to ask this person for help and I’m going to ask that person for help.” Then all of a sudden like, “Now I got some tools and I’m going to try this. I’m going to put the meditation.” Apple Music got the meditation thing. I’m going to put that on the white noise when I go to sleep at night.
It helps. The white noise.
I was telling Vanessa about it, I’m like, “I got this rock here. This one helps me sleep.” She’s like, “I got rocks too.” She goes, “You go them outside right now because there was a full moon.” I do. I have them charging.
That’s the thing. There are going to be some detractors out there reading that right there. I was like, “I do the crystal thing.” It was like, “Here we go. The crystals.” There are those people out there that don’t believe in that shit. I’m going to say this and I hope it resonates with those folks that are the detractors from that. I’m going to even do it. I’m going to ask you a question. Does it work for you? Do you believe in it? Do you think it’s beneficial? Then what the fuck does it matter? It works for you. It worked for you. You try it. You had the balls to try it. If it works for you, it works for you. Keep doing what works.
That’s where I think where I was at. Anything. Do you want me to put this rock in my pocket? I’m going to do it. You want to put it out there on the windows for it to charge. I’m doing it. I’m trying to survive. I’m drowning and all of a sudden like, “My rock. I got this and I got that.”
It works for you. That’s the thing. You didn’t know until you tried because you probably thought it was like, “I’m going to make the assumption that you probably thought it was bullshit until you tried it.”
Someone told me this years ago this rock is going to help you sleep and this one is going to do this and this crystal is here. Fuck the goddamn rock.
This motherfucker is high.
Then now I’m like, “I got my rocks charged.” I think it’s when you need something, you need to believe in something. You need to trust it. You need to be open to it and go with it.
When you need something, you need to believe in it. You need to trust it. You need to be open to it and just go with it. Trust the process.
Trust the process.
What the hell? Why not? I will do my finger things. Yes. It helps now. I’m breathing. I hear so much about this by breathing. I’m always breathing. I’m doing my thing. You believe in that thing and then you get better. Whatever it is.
Small chunks. It’s no different than fighting into a shitty, steep fire. It’s 1 foot in front of the other.
We got Walker here. He will come out here and tell you how he did okay. He did all right. Get some rocks. Get the crystals. Why not? Start feeling better. There are a lot of things out there. Some stuff that I do like there are a shit ton of stuff out there. I do like the energy stuff. I like the shaman stuff. That’s my jam. I got a local girl here. She’s badass. I don’t know if I want to sell her out publicly disclose about it because I don’t know if she’s into that thing.
She might get a bunch of calls.
She will get flooded like, “Can you help me?”
She’s fucking wonderful. She’s a lot like your girl. She’s an EMS. She was a paramedic for a long time, and now she’s a clinician. She’s also into the shaman thing, like the energy work, healing crystals, the fucking rocks, and shit, and it’s cool. You don’t know until you try it, but I’m into it. It worked for me. It works for me, and also, I like other things too. Have you ever done a sensory deprivation float? I don’t always sound like fucking Joe Rogan right now because that’s where I learned about this shit.
People have been telling me about stuff like this.
It’s cool. Allegedly back in the day, I might have had an experience with some psilocybin. Obviously, you know where this story is going, but the thing is, what’s cool about the sensory deprivation flow is I get closed-eyed hallucinations oftentimes like towards the tail end of it. Have you ever done a therapeutic or assisted therapy with the help of some hallucinogen? It’s similar to that, but you are in control of the whole thing.
It’s not in a recreational context where you are out-tripping balls in the forest or whatever with your buddies. It’s for a purpose. It’s that same mentality of the cluttered desk, these piles of bills. Your shit is stacking up, you got trash over there. It gives you a little bit of time and it’s only an hour and a half or an hour, whatever.
You get that similar mind thing going to where you traditionally only get with the assistance of hallucinogen therapy. You can get almost to that point when you are doing the sensory deprivation thing. It’s like clearing that fucking cluttered desk and you get this focus and this clarity. It’s helpful for me. It works.
You do that here in Reno. I’m sold.
Healing One Center is down here off of Plum Street. They got some good shit. My girl that does the energy works there. You will find her.
These are the things we need to make public and make known. If you are going through some shit like I am and feeling you are there, then what’s it going to hurt?
It’s going to cost you a couple of bucks. If it doesn’t work, fucking move on to the next tool in the toolbox.
Exactly. Just keep reaching out and talking. I was talking to so many people this week about what I have been doing and where I’m at. A ton of compliments from all the bros and all my sisters like, “You are looking like you are happy. You are sparked up. You are good. What are you doing?” “I got rocks.” I breathe. I got my stones and crystals.
Just keep reaching out and talking.
That sounds so ridiculous, but it’s helpful for you. That’s the only thing that matters.
It’s not that. The rocks are fucking funny as hell. There is a lot more to it. A lot of breathing and exercises. A lot of it is not being hard on yourself.
Telling some grace for yourself.
Telling yourself you are worth it. Telling yourself you are not a fucking asshole. Telling yourself because you come down on yourself. I think that’s where it is. The worst is you feel like such a failure. You feel like such a fucking piece of shit, an insignificant person. Then that’s where you also do build your confidence and yourself hell with it.
Tell yourself you're worth it. Tell yourself you're not an asshole. Don’t come down on yourself. That's where it's the worst: when you feel like such a failure.
It’s the whole mentality of like, “If you put trash in, you are going to get trash out.” It’s no different from nutrition. It’s no different from your mental health. Yep. If you keep telling yourself you are a piece of shit, guess what? All of a sudden you are a piece of shit and you believe it, and you told yourself that you fucking tricked yourself.
I get the self-deprecation in this culture and like the fire culture and the dark humor, and like the turd sandwiches that we constantly eat, but the positivity. That’s one of those big things. If you keep being positive, you have always been and granted. We have had a little bit of separation there because I’m not in the fire game anymore. You went through some dark fucking shit. I knew happy Walker before and all the shit went down.
I’m learning this conversation right now. That human connection, that story that I did not know that shit. The gravity of that situation for you, but now look at you. I feel bad because I feel like I was not there for you during the shit. During the turd sandwich and I saw you on the happy part and the recovery part. I didn’t get the opportunity to help you or try and fucking reach out during the shit because I didn’t know.
That’s all of us. We can all wear a mask. We can all be happy-go-lucky all the time. The one I was thinking about was Robin Williams. Is the best thing. The happiest, funniest fucking dude.
He is one of the goat comedians.
Then he checks out. Huge depression. Huge shit going on in his life. No one knows.
There is Anthony Bourdain too. This motherfucker has the best job in my eyes in the world. He travels around the goddamn globe and eats the best food in the world. He checked out too.
That’s where I identified with this. That dude. I am in public. I am laughing and telling jokes, but then inside and I’m like I told you, screaming, monsters, and demons all fucking around you. It builds and builds, and then all of a sudden, you are like, “Fuck this. I’m done. I’m tired. I’m exhausted.” I’m completely exhausted with everything.
The job is all of the shit. That’s where you are already committed at that point until you are like, “I love everybody. I love my friends. I’m coming back. I love my family. I come back, baby. Coming back.” Then that’s when you started looking for help. I hope people reading this and they are going through this guy chain and go, “Don’t worry. If I can do this, you can do it.”
For fuck’s sake. You fly around on a helicopter and fight fire with a fucking a robot arm.
I do this one-handed.
That’s inspiring in itself. During the vehicle accident like to overcome that adversity and still be in the game and fighting fire and still be in that light. That fucking positivity speaks volumes about your character. It speaks volumes being vulnerable here to tell your story and your struggles and the shit that you endured. I hope everybody can learn from it. I do.
You can heal. Tomorrow will be better. Wake up and see what tomorrow brings. I used to always say, “I don’t know if that’s my shit or someone else’s shit.” I always would like when I first had this accident and I could teetering to that. The depression side, the sad side, and the poor me side. I would like, “I got this today. Let me see what tomorrow has.” Let’s go one more day. Let’s go with two more chains. Let’s go. That keeps you there, but then it’s like, “Now you hell with that we got to pull back. We got to fucking regroup. We can’t be doing checking line.”
Eventually, you are going to run out of water, you are going to run out of MREs, you are going to run out of energy. You get fatigued. It’s the same thing with your mind.
I did. I totally was just ass-kicked exhausted, mentally, physically, and emotionally, fucking wanting to give it all up. Now we are good. I found some tools. I’m going to be better.
You got some tools too. The people that are reading the blog, you got to show this thing off because this thing is fucking cool. I find it wildly rad that you are still fighting the fire because of the indomitable spirit, the human spirit, and the willpower, all that stuff is you overcame that shit. Most people, they’d be like, “I’m fucking out. I’m out of the game. I’m not fighting the fire.” You found a way.
I know I need help. I should have been committed a long time ago.
I don’t think so at all.
Like, “What the hell are you thinking?”
I think it’s cool though, but it’s like those people you see. You got Paralympians that lost their legs and they are setting fucking world records running and shit.
You see it and you are like, “Hell yes.” For people that don’t know Eric Tilden, and his wife, Brittany, builds all my cool gadgets. Eric Tilden is the super Elko Helitack.
He’s a good dude. I had a good chat with him.
His wife builds all the crazy things I want. Like I said, I am one of the luckiest people around to do this job, experience this job, and have these friends and this fire family and real family. My real family’s awesome as well. You can lose your hand, but you kid to keep fighting the fire. The whole state of Nevada has got your back. The whole fire community has got your back. You want to do it, you are going to do it. If you want an office job, we can do that. If you want to fight the fire, you are going to keep fighting the fire. We are going to build you some hands to do this job.
That’s fucking cool because that shows you the support of the fire family. I have got a very deep relationship with a lot of folks in the Bureau of Land Management here. My point of view is very skewed and biased to love these folks, but sometimes that doesn’t happen around. If you can be that inspiration and lead from either the top, the middle or bottom, or wherever. You can make that if you don’t have it at your district or your forest or your fucking station or whatever. You got to put in the effort.
You do. I’m truly lucky. Especially my family. My son, Gunther, I got to shoot a shout-out to him because he’s fighting the fire. He’s crazy. It’s a good connection with him with this too. Crazy wildlife.
Isn’t it crazy? The places that we go and the shit that we see. It’s good. Walker, I appreciate you being on the show. This has been a wonderful experience and fucking good to see you again. Fucking awesome. With that, I always give you the opportunity to give some shout-outs to some homies, heroes, and mentors. You got Gunther in there. Who else have you got for us?
You know my list. It’s huge.
We are going to be rolling for another three hours.
I love my homies. You know I love you.
Walker, thank you so much for being on the show, and best of luck to you. Keep doing what you are doing and keep inspiring everybody.
I will try.
See you.
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Ladies and gentlemen, another episode of the show is in the books with my good friend Jay Walker. Thank you so much for being on the show. That was one hell of a story. Keep doing you. You are one of my favorite people in fire and I don’t know a single person that dislikes you by any means. Whenever you walk into a room, you are one of the funniest motherfuckers in the room.
You are tough of a bitch. You even lost your arm and you are still crushing it out there. That inspires me. Fucking love you. That is awesome. Walker, thank you so much for being on the show. Thank you for sharing your story. Even if it helps one person out there, then mission accomplished. Thank you so much.
As for the rest of you, I hope everybody got some good bits out of this episode, and feel free to reach out to him you can find him on the old Gram and the old Facebook. Chat the dude up. He’s all about sharing the word and sharing his story. Hopefully inspiring the next generation of wildland firefighters to do what they need to do.
No matter how strange it sounds or how dumb it sounds or how woo-woo it sounds, just try it. That’s all we got to do. If it works for you, then great. If it doesn’t, move on to the next tool you can put in your toolbox. Once again, Walker, thank you so much. Hope everybody enjoyed the episode and I hope everybody’s staying safe and geared up for this season. I hope those crews that went up to Canada, that first little cycle rolling up there. I hope you guys are doing well. Like I said, if you want to be on the show and tell your story about fighting the fire in Canada, feel free to hit me up.
Special shout out to our sponsors. We got Mystery Ranch prepares with the finest damn packs in the fire game. Go over to www.MysteryRanch.com and check out the Backbone series the talk on May 31st, 2023 is going to be the end date for that Mystery Ranch Backbone series scholarship opportunity. Go over there and check it out.
We have got Hotshot Brewing, kickass coffee for a kickass cause. Go over to www.HotshotBrewing.com and check it out. We have got my man Booze over at The A.S.S Movement. He is doing the finest damn work in spreading poo-bearing propaganda. If you have a problem pooper on your crew, go over to www.TheFireWild.com and check out The A.S.S Movement. Last but not least, we got my girl over there at the Smokey Generation AKA the American Wildfire Experience. Bethany Hannah. You have a kickass organization over there. Keep it up. As the rest of you, you all know the drill. Stay safe, stay savage. Peace.
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About Jay Walker
Jay walker is a wildland firefighter from Wells, NV. He has served on multiple wildland firefighting crews, including: Ruby Mountain Hotshots, Jackson Hotshots, and Elko District Engine Modules... He is currently the acting superintendent of Ely Helitack, based out of Panaca, Nevada.
In 2020, Jay experienced a severe rollover accident in a UTV resulting in the loss of his hand. After multiple surgeries, hardships, and financial challenges he experienced something arguably worse than the pain of the accident itself - The mental health challenges.
This is Jay's story on how he has found his own unique recipe of doing whats best for his mental health and healing journey, and is filled with the inspiring and beautiful message of how he found his resilience, overcame his demons, and how he wishes to help others with their own journey.
This guy is a true inspiration and the definition of an indomitable human will... His passion for fire is alive and still kicking ass and, despite the loss of his hand, he still continues to fight fire to this day with a set of specialized prosthetic tools.
